Written by Michael Adler   

Fake News
7/7/10

The Gainesville Daily Statement

Apple recalls i-wave phone, after several horrific accidents


Michael Adler, Staff Writer.
Apple’s new i-wave phone includes a microwave feature, among many other popular features, such as a camera, CD/DVD drive, GPS, telephone, qwerty keyboard, Satellite television connection, web browser, and more. The problems are related to the microwave feature, intended to be used to reheat food and drinks. You simply point the receiver at the cold food and press a button on the side of the phone to heat it up. It seems some of the first buyers of the phone mistakenly pressed the button while talking on it, and accidentally cooked parts of their brains.

Apple has also recalled a number of apps, which had previously been approved for the i-phone platform. Among the recalled are the oil skimming app, released after the Gulf oil spill, the battering ram app, which was intended to assist law enforcement personnel attempting to enter locked residences, and the toilet paper app, which, well, we're not really sure what you were supposed to do with that. Apple cited as reasons for recalling the apps, that they performed poorly, as well as having led to an unacceptable number of warranty replacements.

Apple has also removed the controversial i-Jazeera app, at the request of the State Dept. That app enabled subscribers to receive news about the Middle East from Middle-Eastern points of view. Apple's decision has upset some terrorists and their civil libertarian allies.

The upcoming 4G i-phone will have some exciting new options. One of the most promising is the i-diabetic app, which will monitor blood sugar, and dispense metered amounts of insulin, which it will store in its i-refrigerate module. Another medical app available on the 4G phones is the i-defibrillate, which can be placed on the chest to treat a cardiac arrest. The i-defibrillate can also function in a different sort of emergency, as a stun-gun.

Not satisfied with the stun-gun option, the NRA has been lobbying Apple to come out with an i-pistol, enabling law-abiding citizens to defend themselves with lethal force, while, talking on the phone. GDS imagines the advertisement might go something like this:
"...no, honey, i think we should go with the eggshell... wait just a second, i'm being attacked by a mugger BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG no, that's ok, I took care of it, say, do you think I should stop by the KFC on my way home and bring dinner..."

Also in the Apple pipeline, is the i-dildo, which will allow couples who are on-the-go, or in long-distance relationships to telecommute their intimate moments. The i-dildo comes with various robotic implements, appropriate for either or both genders, that can be controlled by a partner's telephone. For those of us who are so busy, we need to slip away to check our email or facebook in the middle of tele-intercourse, it even has an auto-pilot setting. However, when testers attempted to engage the auto-pilot, the Apple i-store popped up, and attempted to sell them the i-relationship counselor app.

The i-dysentery app was created in response to recent outbreaks of food-born illnesses. it will rapidly test samples of suspicious food for the Salmonella and E-coli 0157h7, which have caused recent disease outbreaks, as well as for the less common Cholera, Shigella, and parasitic amoebas. The downside of this app, is that it requires difficult cleaning protocols, part of which involves the i-autoclave app, and constant replenishment of several chemicals and enzymes. In addition, some of the DNA sequencing materials are radio-active.

We here at GDS can't wait to see what Apple comes out with for their 5G phones. Rumor has it that the 5G options may include a 27" screen that can fold up to fit in your pocket. Another screen option is rumored to be a projector that can beam the screen onto a wall. Also, Apple is rumored to be in development of an i-moped, that can fly. Some rumors addressing the high power consumption of some of these options, claim that the 5G phones will run on plutonium batteries.