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writing for godot

HELP! My 1-Year-Old Is a Republican!

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Written by Billy Bob   
Monday, 28 May 2012 16:31
Well, actually she’s only 11 months old, but I’m growing increasingly concerned. Apart from the fact that she’s built like Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, she shares a few other traits with the right-wing you may find familiar.

She mostly refers to pet buzz words and talking points. Seemingly adult Republicans interject the phrase “let the marketplace decide” whenever possible. She likes to say “bottle” or “bah-bah” with approximately the same frequency. The amount of emotional attachment each has to their respective pet words is about equal. Otherwise, like her adult Republican counterparts, most of what she says is gibberish. Don’t get me wrong, she still isn’t completely swayed by the Milton Friedman bandwagon… yet. Still, what are her plans for me when I become elderly? Will she sell me down the river to make a few measly cents in profit from my misery? She still seems to love me… for now.

Speaking of cruelty for its own sake, she hits me when she doesn’t get her way and often just for kicks. In fact, she’s recently decided that making me bow my head down in front of her so she can pull my hair and then pat me on the head dismissively is good for a laugh. She just giggles away while subjecting me to this. Her favorite time is while I’m feeding her. If I pull away, say to make sure the next spoonful makes it to her mouth, I’m tempting fate. She may have a little temper tantrum until she can mess with my head some more.

Sometimes the cruelty takes the form of another version of the fabled Lucy setting up Charlie Brown routine that Congressional Republicans are so adept at. The scenario plays out like this: First, she holds out her arms to be picked up. Next, she sits in my lap and immediately kicks me in the balls when I least expect it. Obviously, I should expect it by now, but she’s so cute that I fall for it every time. Please note: this is one major difference. Republicans are NOT cute. If, after the injury, I say, “ouch!” she thinks that’s especially hilarious and then beeps my nose to add insult to injury and complete the “joke”. I’m sure the next words in her vocabulary will be “get over it”.

If her walking is any indication, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d be about as good of a driver as an average Republican. “No need fer big guv-mint tellin’ me ah need ta use a tern signal!” In fact, she frequently doesn’t like to try anything new (new food, new skills, etc.) Sound familiar yet?

Like a true threat to the environment, she often makes a mess in her own pants and expects others to clean it up at great expense to the entire household. She then has the nerve to complain about the cleanup process the whole time it’s happening although she doesn’t lift a finger to help. Often the diaper changing is, yet another opportunity to kick me, this time in protest.

When I use the changing table to change her diaper, she’s constantly trying to reach for a light switch. I don’t know what she sees in it. Does she imagine it’s a deterrent against invasion, a deterrent against crime, or just a “pretty button”? Speaking of fascination with pretty shiny things, she definitely has that in spades. Her entire attention span can be concentrated on a single object if it displays either of those characteristics (prettiness or shininess). It’s like watching a Republican stare in blank-faced awe at the Military Channel or Ann Coulter in a speedo.

Speaking of things that should never be touched, she’s absolutely relentless in her attempts to grab things with the express purpose of destroying them. She pursues a stereo speaker and a set of collectable records on a table with the same envy the so called “adult” Republicans display toward Social Security, public schools or public transportation. Given the nature of these particular objects of her desire, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if mp3s were her invention as a way to maximize profits while minimizing quality “for convenience” and undermining the arts simultaneously.

My wife and I sing the incidental music to Jaws whenever she’s in hot pursuit. She even has a similar m.o. Before the rampage begins, she first circles the object. Next, she “accidentally” bumps into it waiting for a response. Before long, she’s tasting it. And, like all Republicans and related shark species, she’s constantly growing new teeth to be used as weapons against the rest of us.

My older children aren’t republicans any more. I think they were pretty much the same at that age, but we appear to have trained it out of them. For the most part, they are more capable of empathy now than they were at 11 months of age. Score one for the liberal propaganda machine!

But, where does this leave our country? Are we supposed to pity the Republicans who hijack our pensions, Social Security and public treasures because they’re parents obviously neglected them and left them to their own vices without teaching them the Golden Rule (the real one, not the Republican bumper sticker version)? Is this a new version of Stockholm syndrome? Must we rid ourselves of what little “empowerment” we feel for at least being able to hate them?

Maybe Republicans, like 11-month-old babies just want attention. Maybe their mommies and daddies didn’t love them. Then again, maybe they were just dropped.

Disclaimer: I love babies and I even love sharks.
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