Written by Mark L. Taylor   

D.C. Snoopster
TheDailyCall.org (1/1/12)

DES MOINES, Iowa – Busy with the final mad dash to the quadrennial electoral challenge of the Iowa Caucuses, Republican candidates barnstorming the state took a few minutes from their busy schedules to wish America a happy 1312.

Noting “nothing good has happened in the past 700 years”, Grundy County Republican Party chairman Oscar Bucknam issued a press release scratched out on the back of a grain shovel noting that, despite their differences, all the GOP candidates agree it is time to return to traditional “time-tested values that worked just fine before all this Age of Enlightenment crap”.

The following is a list of special New Years Day greetings issued from the Republican candidates:

• “My New Years wish for America is that we return common sense to the justice system by re-introducing the dunking chair to interrogate terrorism suspects,” said Newt Gingrich. “It worked fine in the anti-witch campaigns of Europe and will do just fine now.”

• Candidate Ron Paul took the 1312 New Years greeting opportunity to expand upon his economic plan to eliminate fiat currency calling for, “A return to the gold standard and payment of all government and personal debt in furs, iron ingots, silk, spices and root vegetables.”

• Addressing a campaign rally of 5 curious onlookers, Michelle Bachmann lashed out at Obamacare noting, “The year 1312 is time to get rid of all vaccines and antibiotics and to return to leeching. If someone dies and can’t be brought back from the dead by prayer and laying on of hands they were sinful and deserved to die.”

• Speaking of rising from the dead, come-from-behind miracle Rick Santorum told a Sac County evangelical church congregation that 1312 was the year for education reform, beginning with, “The burning and sacking of the Library of Congress. What has all this reading stuff done for us other than give everybody in charge a big ol’ headache?”

• Texas Gov. Rick Perry sent 1312 New Years greetings out to Iowa voters in a radio message calling for the end to central heating, noting, “It’s time folks toughen’ up; the whole damn country has gone as soft and wimpy as a wet corn muffin.”

• Former Massachusetts governor Willard “Mitt” Romney declared 1312 the year to finally address the nation’s crumbling infrastructure through the elimination of sewage treatment plants. “Golly to Betsy, our servants used an outhouse out behind the horse stables and they did just fine and it did wonders for my wife’s herb garden,” Romney said.

• Wandering a dry creek bed somewhere near Council Bluffs, stealth candidate Jon Huntsman broke from the competition by issuing a 1312 New Years wish: “Somebody told me about a thing called a compass and that it could help a guy find his way in the wilderness. If anyone out there knows what one looks like send me a smoke signal – quick!”